Exploring Attachment

What is enmeshment

Bonds between family members impact a child’s emotional development. In an enmeshed relationship, there is no emotional independence or separation between the parent and child which often leads to a child’s (and therefore adult child) inability to form their own thoughts and perspectives.

A person who may have enmeshed relationships would include someone who:

• Doesn’t have a strong sense of self, self-worth, autonomy or belonging

• Depends on others to give them validation in order to maintain their self-esteem

• Cannot function well alone and avoids being alone

• Has difficulty acting alone and maintaining a healthy level of independence within relationships

• Is unable to act and think separately from their family, friends or partners without feeling they were betraying them

• Doesn’t know or engage in their own interest or activities, rather looks to please others and follow what they want to do.

• Had a parent who did everything for them, thereby made to rely on a parent(s) rather than be encouraged to learn, do and experience for themselves.

Here are some examples of enmeshment:

• A mother who calls her son's ex-girlfriend or wife to ask why she broke up with him

• A person who cannot make simple life decisions without consulting her parent(s) or friends first

• A family member who takes it personally when someone in the family moves away

• A parent who relies on her child for emotional support through her divorce

• A person who has no understanding of activities they enjoy and instead takes on the interests of friends

Children who grow up in an enmeshed family system learn to make others responsible for their happiness and ability to be emotionally stable or secure. Often this person finds relationships and friends who are controlling or emotionally abusive. Because this person has never experienced the right to make their own decisions and make their own mistakes without leaning on others, they can feel paralyzed. Many new parents look to fill the unmet needs from their own childhood through their children. Everyone learns how to parent from their parents or caregivers. The words, vocal and facial tones, actions, responses and reactions… are the model and template from which we draw. Enmeshed relationships and family bonds are without boundaries and rob needed independence among family members.

Recognizing an Enmeshed Relationship

Two key aspects of healthy relationship functioning are cohesion (togetherness) and flexibility (ability to change or compromise). Those in an enmeshed relationship will likely struggle to balance time together and time apart. It may bring stress, anxiety, frustration, fear, or other emotions when there is any form of separation.2

Flexibility refers to a person's or couple's ability to handle challenges and change. In enmeshed relationships, the ability to handle change is often complicated and disruptive. Without the ability to manage one's emotions in tough times, times of challenge usually throw the person or couple off and create significant stress within the relationship.

People in enmeshed relationships may also have difficulty supporting each other and celebrating their differences. They are likely to decide based on what they think the other person wants rather than their needs.

Attachment traumas have two other far-reaching effects:

• Trauma is often at the root of negative thinking (e.g., pessimism, catastrophizing) and self-defeating beliefs (e.g., I'm not good enough, I'm powerless) - both of which are significant sources of anxiety, depression, and relationship problems.

• Trauma can interfere with the development of key self-care and relationship skills, which are essential for preventing and counteracting anxiety, depression, and relationship problems.